NAVY #07 Your Tax Dollars at Work

Originally written in 1997

I got home from the big waters on Friday. We headed down to Florida to play war games. I am riding around on a US Navy Oiler. The only lethal weapons we have are served up for lunch and dinner. What in the hell are we doing playing war games? If you want me to fight, you should have let me bring the wife along.

We were told that we didn't get to fight. Our job was to give both sides gas. That means fuel, not food. While we were out there, we were playing around Cape Hatteras and a storm came up. Let me tell you something my brothers and sisters, won't nothing get you close to Mr. Jesus like a storm off of Cape Hatteras. It wasn't that bad a storm, just 70 mph winds and 18 foot seas. However, it was bad enough to toss us around like a cork.

While we were out there playing, we came across this 40 foot sailboat. My ship is 777 feet long. We were getting tossed all over the damned place. This sailboat was really taking a beating. The poor fellow had already lost 3 sails. His diesel engine wouldn't diesel anymore, and he had no lights. It was starting to getting dark and this bonehead is stuck out in the shipping lanes where a boatload of Toyota's was going to end up running over his ass.

We called him up on the radio. (NAVY stands for NAVY WARSHIP)

* NAVY "This is Navy warship getting ready to run over your ass" (I'm paraphrasing) You appear to be in trouble. Do you have one of them there lifeboat thingees on board? "
* SAILBOAT "No, we came out here 50 miles from nearest land during a storm, in a tiny ass sailboat with a busted motor without a lifeboat"
* NAVY "Would ya'll like for us to rescue y'all or something?"
* SAILBOAT "No sir, Us being complete morons and all, we think we should try to ride this storm out"
* NAVY "Do y'all realize that this storm is supposed to get worse?"
* SAILBOAT "We still do not wish to abandon our vessel"
* NAVY "Have you considered the fact that your vessel might be getting ready to abandon you?"
* SAILBOAT "Thank you Navy, but we are going to stay out here in this crap as long as possible"
* NAVY "Where are you headed"
* SAILBOAT "Nearest Possible land"
* NAVY "Do you realize that with the way you are headed, the nearest possible land is South Africa all the way on the other side of the lake?"
* SAILBOAT "Really? Our navigation stuff kind of got wet and doesn't seem to work any more"
* NAVY "Lets see if I understand, you are 50 miles off shore, your sails are getting ripped to pieces, your motor doesn't want to run, you have no lights, no lifeboat and no clue. Is that correct?"
* SAILBOAT "That's about correct"
* NAVY "Are you sure we can't rescue you?"
* SAILBOAT "No Sir, we do not wish to abandon our vessel"
* NAVY "Is this a Congressional Junket? Are you people Senators?"

We had to follow this guy for 2 days until he got close enough to land for the Coast Guard to come pick him up. We couldn't just leave him. If we did, CNN would of been all over us, and it would have made all the papers. I recommended that we run over the guy. Just to improve the gene puddle somewhat.

While we were out we stopped in Mayport, Florida, just outside of Jacksonville. They finally agreed to let us off the ship. OH BOY, OH BOY, OH BOY! Then they told us that we all had to be back on board by Midnight, and we had to take a buddy with us. I'm 35 years old. And I have to be home by Midnight? And I have to have a buddy escort me? What are they afraid of? I might have a good time? I been cooped up on this ship with these people for 2 weeks. I don't really care to spend anymore time with them than I absolutely have to. I am a highly trained Electronics Technician, A skilled leader with 17 years of active service. I let my 12 year old son go outside without a babysitter, but I have to have one! Captain? Can I go pee by myself at least? Or do I need an escort for that too?

Unfortunately, I wasn't going to be going out on the beach. I had a down system to deal with.

While we were out there in the storm. my gun mount broke. Me and my compadre went and looked at it really good, studied over the manuals, put our heads together and collaboratively concluded, "Yep, it's broke." He looked me and said "Yep, we broke it good this time." It was fairly evident that it was broke. A gun that shoots 6000 rounds a minute, when it breaks, it usually breaks all the way. It's pretty easy to tell because it usually spits large chunks of itself all around the deck. We gathered up all of these mangled parts and went off to tell somebody important what had happened. I did the research, looked up the applicable part numbers, located the parts in the supply system, and figured out how much all of this was going to cost me. It was going to cost a lot, a whole lot. More than I had in my tiny budget. That meant somebody needed to make an Executive Decision, preferably somebody who was an Executive. Our Division officer was on the beach doing whatever it is that Division Officers do (playing hopscotch most likely) so Danny and I went up to his boss, our Department Head, and explained the situation and how much it was going to cost us.

His head almost exploded. (It was a lot of money) It was cool.

We showed him all of these mangled parts and told him that we needed to spend his Operating Budget for the next three years in order to fix it. He didn't seem to care for that information.

* BOSS: "How did this happen?"
* ME: "It broke"
* BOSS: "How?"
* ME: "This little screw sheared off inside of the gun"
* BOSS: "Isn't there some way to test these screws to make sure they are good?"
* ME: "sure, we could put them in a vise and smack 'em real good with a hammer seven or eight times. If the screw breaks, it was a bad one. if it only bends, it was a good screw"
* BOSS: "Did you break it on purpose?"
* ME: "Damn, I guess you caught us. We sure did. While it was spinning really fast and spitting out bullets, I made Danny here go up and stick a screwdriver through the top of the gun. It killed him, but the corpsman gave him a Motrin and he is felling better today"
* BOSS: "Well I want a Civilian Tech Rep to look at it"
* ME: "Really? What do you want him to tell you? That it's broke?"
* BOSS: "I want a Civilian Tech Rep to look at it"
* ME: "Ok, You're the Boss. That's why you make the big bucks."

The Tech Rep came out and I showed him the bucket full of mangled parts. He says, "DAMN! You broke it good didn't you? Go order the parts." We didn't tell the Boss that the Tech Rep was a a former student of mine from when I was an Instructor on that very Weapon System. The Navy is actually a pretty small organization. We go tell the Department Head what the Tech Rep says, and the Boss calls for another Tech Rep, a civilian this time. He comes onboard and I know him too. He looks at our bucket of parts and starts laughing. "DAMN, You broke it good this time, didn't you?" While the Tech Rep was looking at my bucket of mangled parts, our Boss left to go play golf. He's not going to like what the Tech rep has to say. Maybe he'll get someone else to come look at it. If this keeps up, I'll get to see every CIWS Technician on the East Coast. Danny and I are thinking that maybe we should about selling tickets so that random people can come by look at it and give their opinion as well.

Nothing more to see here people. I'm headed for the Beach.